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By Pops Beardsly

 

What is haiku? To put it in the simplest of terms, it is a poem of three lines, the first

containing five syllables, the second containing seven syllables, and the third containing five.

There are some other rules they are supposed to follow (see http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/),

 but since these are waki haiku, they have been mostly ignored.

 

They say that no two

Snowflakes are alike, but it

hasn't been proven.

 

No trees bark like a
dog would, and no dog has a
bark like a dogwood.

 

Real is not always

better; for instance, for hair,

shampoo beats real poo.

 

I would rather have
a glass of ice water than
a glass fly swatter.

 

Some Mexican stuff

isn't appealing to me,

for instance, canned coon.

 

Chestnuts roasting on

an open fire, my thoughts turn

to the chestnut blight.

 

I envied a man 
with a trick dog till I met
one with a trick knee.

 

He was such low-life,
he always had to hide on
trash collection day.

 

My mistake; the meat

was cooked on a spit, not the

cook spit on the meat.

 

I used to think that

"innuendo" was something

about peeping Toms.

 

Eric Settee was

often mistaken for the

Ottoman Umpire.

 

The underwater

carpenter used a sea saw

and two seahorses.

 

Adam told a joke 

in the Garden of Eden.

The first Adam bomb.

 

The cartoonist knew
the hardships he endured would 
build caricature.

 

There's nothing I can
say that won't offend someone,
even this drivel.

 

Have you ever seen

toad shoes?  Why would anyone

want to steal toad shoes?

 

A corn snake should not

be confused with a corn dog.

Corn snakes are harmless.

 

Does a spelling bee

produce any more honey

than a wannabe?

 

The underwater 

carpenter had some sea clamps

and a sea level.

 

He drank like a fish 
out of water, smoking like
a chimney salmon.

 

You can choose what to

chew, but you can't always chew

whatever you choose.

 

Sometimes "sanction" means

"Go for that," but other times,

it means "forgo that."

 

The choirmaster

told the group to refrain from

singing the refrain.

 

Around here, we have

porta-jons, but in Haiti,

They have Port au Prince.

 

The underwater

carpenter made a sea bed

out of aquafir.

 

A man wielding a

pitchfork, obviously a

piano tuner.

 

I went overseas

on seas so rough I couldn't

see over the seas.

 

On his last day, the

exterminator said "that's

my final ant, sir".

 

If you give a fish
a drink, he'll drink like a fish.
So predictable.

 

It is easier 

to defy gravity than

to de-fry an egg.

 

The underwater

carpenter built a water

table with bass wood.

 

A man-eating squid.

Frightening? No, It was just

A man, eating squid.

 

Olive, the other

reindeer, used to laugh and call 

him names; she's gone now.

 

Bottled spring water:

no summer, fall, or winter.

spring is all they have.

 

The profundity

of these words is such that you

can't understand them.

 

The underwater

carpenter added sea legs

to the pool table.

 

With a paring knife, 

I halved the pear so I'd have

a pair of pear halves.

 

Miles Davis' nonet

got critics' raves, but the fans

said "no no nonet".

 

An elephant can't

remember like a starfish.

It can grow new legs.

 

The underwater

carpenter wore a pair of 

water moccasins.

 

In the Fall, sculptor

Alexander Calder would

make Autumn mobiles.

 

"Saurus" from the Greek

means "lizard," so what the hell

is a thesaurus?

 

One of Santa's elves

ran off to the city to

be a metro-gnome.

 

The underwater 

carpenter bought a water

pick with his depth charge.

 

If tubas don't have
teeth, then of what value is
a tuba toothpaste?

 

I almost installed
venison blinds, but then I 
remembered the dog.

 

Ironically, the 

youth in Asia have no use

for euthanasia.

 

Vegetarians
kill plants, but cannibals are
humantarians.

The anemone 
is an enemy of so
many, many fish.

Not a good idea,
weeping willow branches for
wiener roasting sticks.

 

Once he had breached the

henhouse, Fox knew he had clinched

the pullet surprise.

 

Dogs stayed away from
the Sultan when he wore the
invincible fez.

 

There was a woman

who gave candy to the deer.

The deer sweet lady.

 

The underwater 

carpenter smoothed the beach wood

with his hydroplane.

 

Dashing through the snow

in a one-horse open sleigh,

the law on our tail.

 

Those are duck hunters

from Venice, hiding behind

their Venetian blinds.

 

Meningitis, though
scary, hardly compares to
womeningitis.

 

Should old acquaintance

be forgot and never brought

to mind, good riddance.

 

How can you ever

tell whether musicians are

playing or working?

 

That tower in France 
is such an eye-full that that's
how it got its name.

 

I took some fish to

the cleaners and they told me

that they don't clean fish.

 

You'd better not shout,

You'd better not cry, or I'll

be forced to kill you.

 

An anonymous

anemone accepts its

anonymity.

 

The Venus mission
had every window equipped 
with Venutian blinds.

When New Yorkers say
"party", it sounds like "potty",
and that worries me.

 

Do you ever change

your mind after you have spit

out your chewing gum?

 

Kidney beans are grown
with ease, even by a young
kidney gardener.

 

It's legendary
at the county fair, that old
farmer's almond knack.

The school's marching choir
among other things, did a
perfect choral wreath.

Couldn't fill the tire,
a hedge against inflation,
bushes in the way.

The priest hood should not
be confused with the holy
cowl, worn by the Pope.

 

Only seven seas?
What about Tennessee, and
number eight and nine?

Mary had a lamb.
It followed her all the way
to the slaughterhouse.

 

A boy with matches

started it, proving a child

can raze a village.

 

2007 Shelby Design

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